go in CHEAP & come out CLEAN

1. I tell really great stories! - Seriously, I get on some Shel Silverstein meets Herman Melville type shit when it comes to story time: weird and seriously long. Exhaustingly so at times. But! Lucky for you this just means that I am going to make you laugh 60% of the time, make you feel better about your own life 30% of the time, and confuse you the other 10%. Which still sorta ties in to the aforementioned 30%.

2. I am embarrassing enough for the both of us! - Don’t worry, best friend; I’ve got you covered! Gone will be your days of embarrassing moments, because when you become friends with me, I steal all your embarrassing moment potential via osmosis. You’re officially the coolest! Now let me tell you a story about that time I almost peed myself in public.

3. I will always pig out with you! - No need to be embarrassed about wanting that extra slice of crack pie—GIRL/BOY YOU DESERVE IT!

4. I give GREAT makeovers! - Now if I could only dress myself. Best Friend YOU LOOK SO PRETTY/HANDSOME!

5. I can make a song out of anything! - Seriously, who doesn’t love hearing a really long Silverstein-meets-Melville story in melodic pentameter?! ♪ I do I do I do-oo ♫

6. I will always listen! - To every story! Even those about your other friends! Just don’t get mad when I call your other friends dumb; friendship is about honesty! Besides you get to tell me that all the time, so it’s only fair I get to do it sometimes! They don’t appreciate you like your best friend does!

7. I make really amazing coffee! - Seriously, shit is legendary.

8. I cook dinner parties like a motherfucker! - Seriously, shit is legendary.

9. I know all the words to that song, too! - OMG should we choreograph a dance to it?

10. I write really, really, ridiculously good & hilarious Facebook wall posts! - Inside jokes, funny lines from movies, and just general niceties! Yep, pretty proficient at that!

11. Winglady extraordinaire! - I am such a fantastic winglady. I can make small talk with a pine cone if need be—so you don’t need to worry about me & the dude you’ve been eye-fucking for the past twenty minutes at the bar’s awkward friend with the drooling problem. We’re going to get along great! Just bring protection! Safety first! But before you go off to that not-at-all-seedy corner, you got an extra napkin handy?

12. I non-ironically love sleepovers! - Seriously when did this stop being cool? Because nothing, to me, is more fun than a sleepover over the age of 21. You can buy delicious cheese, amazing wine, great ice cream, and stay up super late talking about other people or hilarious internet things or Ryan Gosling or our feelings. And then watch a movie and drink coffee in the morning to stave off the hangover. SO FUN! We’re adults! Doing kid things! But in an adult way!

13. I have enough nail polish to manicure a small island nation! - This is GREAT during said sleepovers. And don’t even get me STARTED on my top coat.

14. I am GREAT at being lazy with you! - Want to sit all day and watch “Say Yes to the Dress” or “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”? How about “Downton Abbey” or “Parks and Recreation” or “30 Rock”? OMG that’s totes what I wanted to do, too!

15. Scarf-swaps! - This is probably the only other thing Stevie Nicks & I have in common besides both being total goddesses.

16. Sappy compliments! - You’re so amazing! You smell so great! That color is a revelation on you! You’re the best thing of the day! You could TOTALLY make out with Ryan Gosling! You’re having a MAJOR Liza moment! You’re the best lady/dude best friend in the history of friendships! Let me write a song about you!

17. I have SO many owl things! - Because they are so cute and kitschy and hilarious! And you love that I’m a little bit weird like that! And also nothing says best friendship like being easy to shop for around holidays & birthdays.

18. Wordplay & puns at every turn! - Owl always be a hoot; whooooo else could be this clever?!

19. I am great at giving gifts! - All those things you mention casually or eye off-hand. Consider them yours! You’ll be so surprised and excited every time there’s a reason for present-receiving.

20. I will never fall off a cliff & die so that you have to remember me in memoriam and be sad! - I am way too nervous about shenanigans that hover anywhere above 15% dangerous. I’m going to live forever so you don’t have to be sad!

21. PUPPY PICTURES! - I promise you, best friend, no less than 10 adorably hilarious and precious puppy pictures a month. They will have witty captions and may sometimes be wearing costumes. PUPPIES!!!