go in CHEAP & come out CLEAN

I also wrote over 3,000 words on the newest installment of The Bachelor because I sincerely love terrible things.

Hey look, I made some jokes and shit about a reality show. Don’t ask me to try and be witty about it right now.

Wherein I get to say the words “Dolly Parton does not give one glittery shit about anything other than being her fabulous self.” Emily Maynard & I have something in common: we both adore the Goddess that is Dolly Parton.

In case you forgot, I’m recapping The Bachelorette for Hollywood.com. Here is episode number two! It involves Muppets which I like, and a bunch of dudes I don’t particularly care for—but we’re trying, America! We’ll get there. Together.

Thought you were done with me and my weekly recaps? WRONG, AMERICA.

Feast your eyes on the quizzical weirdness that is my recap of The Bachelorette premiere. So meaty!

I will defend the name of Sally’s Pizza in New Haven til the death. As a born-and-raised New Havenite, it is my civic duty to inform all of those in a lesser standing that in the epic Sally’s vs. Pepe’s rivalry, Sally’s reigns supreme!

…Even if it means getting into accidental twitter battles with people on ABC reality shows.

SPOILER ALERT: I’M THE WINNER OF THIS SEASON OF THE BACHELOR!

My life is average.

Wow, you have balls,” proclaims Dr. Sorenson. “I do,” responds Lee as he barges through the door launching into his new sales pitch, which is ASTONISHING. Essentially, Lee’s pitch to Dr. Sorenson is that as an extremely ugly woman, Lee will NEVER be out on a date and therefore has all the time in the world to devote time to all his asthma medication needs. “I’ll be home tongue kissing my dog,” Lee explains, further solidifying that the best customer service always comes from disgusting, lonely women. Needless to say, Dr. Sorenson is SOLD! Then Gloria Steinem comes out and attacks a cougar with her bare hands. (This did not happen, but it should have.)

-Jake Fogelnest’s recap of “Work It” on Vulture. Because Jake knows that the best way to explain something is to simply show, not tell.

I’m going to go ahead & put on my red bra & tell my boss I have to go home. And I’ll get that approval because I’ll wear a red bra & WORK my feminine ways to get what I want. And I won’t get fired because my boss knows that I’m an ugly woman so I have all the time in the world to do work at every other minute of my life.

Actually, what I’m really going to do is go find a big, deep pit that I can throw the premise of this show & all its anti-woman bullshit in, light it on fire, dance around it while I perform a rain dance to wash away the sadness & throw myself into the pit to die.

WHY IS THIS A REAL THING? WHY WHY WHY?