go in CHEAP & come out CLEAN
So let me get this straight, Facebook. Not only are you charging people now to send messages, but you have different value amounts for each person? How do you come up with said dollar amounts? It can’t be based on names (I was reaching out to these people for a work-related thing and they both happen to have the same exact name — one that has pretty good public recognition, I might add), so what is it? Connections? Job? Location? What is it, Facebook? This is fucking weird and gross!
Now I really want to know how much *I* am worth to these jerks.
Here’s a cool thing that happened today. I wrote that thing that they shared.
This means I’m just that much closer to bumping into her casually and being all “oh hey, hi, i’m just a regular cool twentysomething lady such as yourself, here is a funny observation about whatever event/place/thing it is that we are both attending!” We have a brief but funny conversation that leaves each of us thinking of the other “that is one cool fucking lady, we’d make great friends” before never seeing each other ever again.
DREAM BIG, IS WHAT I’M SAYING, YOU GUYS.
The Best Friend
Duh. *click*
The Best Friend’s Boyfriend who you sort of don’t like but are trying to not be a bitch about
He’s going to come anyway. Invite.
That flaky friend you think is cool enough, and shows up 10% of the time
Maybe this time!
That recently-turned Republican person who aggressively fights any point someone makes about Barack Obama that you went to college with and keep on your news feed to remind yourself why you’re always right
You have way too many gay friends for that shit, plus you don’t hate yourself or your party-to-be
Your three friends from work that you regularly get lunch with
Invite them all; one of them will show.
That guy you went out with one time who is loosely connected to some of your friends
Meh, could come in handy.
Your friend who’s married now (ew, weird! Adulthood!)
Invite her & the husband.
The two people from high school that you actually still talk to
*select*
That one sad person from high school that complains all the time about how no body cares about them or treats them the way they deserve to be treated
Ha ha ha, no.
That guy you met on OKCupid that insisted on friending you before you hung out that one time and now you’re afraid to defriend him because he might randomly email you and be upset because he still ‘Likes’ your statuses and you find that somewhat endearing as you cultivate your soon-to-be-famous Internet presence
Uhm…Pass.
That friend that you always invite to everything (and they always invite you to everything) that you totally want to hang out with more, but you have polar opposite schedules so you only see each other once every six months
OMG totally! Maybe this time they’ll make it!
Those three people that you don’t really hang out with anymore but are friends with all of your friends and will be totally offended if you don’t invite them
…ugh, fine.
Your roommates
*Set as admin*
That weird friend of yours that lives like 8 states away that always seems to find the invites when they aren’t invited and types out sad emoticons on the wall of the event saying “there in spirit!”
You don’t select even though you know they’ll be the first one to write on the wall of the event, somehow.
The guy you have a crush on that lives really far away and totally won’t come, but you always fantasize about them accepting—or better yet, not respond and then SURPRISE YOU—and showing up to admit that he’s always had a crush on you and after he received this particular Facebook invite, he knew he just couldn’t hold it in any longer and had to travel to this very party to confess his true feelings.
Swoon. Obviously.
The crew from college that you see pretty regularly
*click click click*
That one super-argumentative person whose social reader updates prove they never work a minute of their life
No thanks!
That acquaintance most of your friends don’t like, but you sorta had fun with one of the three times you hung out
Hmm…maybe round two.
That guy that your roommate likes that she totally won’t invite on her own accord, but you’re a total wingman so you know to do her a solid
Invite!
Your neighbor you sometimes see awkwardly in the hallway by the mailboxes that is way too chatty
Hmm…ahh, maybe? He’ll probably invite himself over when he hears the music, anyway. Round two.
Your neighbor you sometimes see awkwardly in the hallway by the mailboxes that you really want to be friends with
Invite with a personal message “Hey-o, Your GQ got stuck in with my bills, want me to stop by and bring it up to you?! p.s. Thought we’d invite you to our party if you’re around.”
Your current boss
Ha!
Your old boss
Double ha!
Your siblings
Not if you want to have a shameful night of poor life decisions that won’t ever accidentally find their way back to your mother!
Alright FUCK YOU Facebook. This has gone TOO FAR! Why are you taking away my ability to lie?
There are two things that predict a level of personal loneliness in the digital age: 1.) how many times you’ve reactivated your OKCupid account, and 2.) who you invite to an event involving friends.
The latter is definitely the more pervasive, telling occurrence—since we all know OKCupid is mostly just another way to stave off boredom and maybe find some vague form of validation from internet strangers.
It feels weirdly more intimate to hold onto selecting a friend in a Facebook invite, or cc/bcc’ing on an email invite about a party. You sit and hum, wince, think, add, delete, re-add, pause, awkwardly laugh to yourself (which holds a whole slew of emotional nuances in it), and move on to the next—most likely a person you have to invite for obligatory reasons that WILL show up when that’s the opposite of what you want. But you’re a wiener, so you do it anyway! But, getting back on track, these invites, they’ret this thread that we rationalize as a connection to an acquaintance that you never quite “got there” with, or have let slip away—either reluctantly or just out of sheer scheduling conflicts. Time is never on anyone’s side. But when you’re feeling especially lonely, it’s even harder to say no to inviting those people to things. It’s a regret spiral. It’s a way of appeasing your feelings or casually winking (metaphorically) at a person in hopes they’ll respond back with a “OMG hey! I can’t make it, but how are you?! Send me a really long diatribe with details about your life so we can reexamine this friendship that we never had/had but lost/don’t really have/will hopefully turn into romance/will get us both somewhere beneficial (maybe)”-type email/FB message/text. Or better yet, that they’ll show up and in reconnecting, open up an entire new chapter in your life (romantic—literally or figuratively—or otherwise). We all know that never happens.
So why do we do this? We all have that person or group of people—be it one or eleven—that we long to connect with better, but never can or will. So why is it that sending out a superfluous invite to a gathering/event we both know they’ll never come to, feels appropriate and sometimes necessary?
It should also be noted that these people do the same in return (if it’s one-sided, well, that’s just weird, America); it’s a constant volley of back-and-forth. Intended missed connections. Friend Seeking Friend to Friend. Wink Poke Nudge. I think your twenties are filled with those lingering outliers. But still, beyond all reason, why do we care?
I wonder if these digital dances get easier in your thirties.
Everyone who’s quit Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, etc for their so-called “New Years Resolution” (Which is, side note, effectively the “going to the gym” resolution of the internet. Yeah, OK, for five minutes I’m sure you WILL have the willpower and non-boring lifestyle to do so. Because you’re like, going to the gym now and shit.) is SERIOUSLY affecting my Klout score, you guys!
Just give up already so I can get back on the road to 60! That is SERIOUS KLOUT, internet folks & real-life folks!
