The Best Friend
The Best Friend’s Boyfriend who you sort of don’t like but are trying to not be a bitch about
He’s going to come anyway. Invite.
That flaky friend you think is cool enough, and shows up 10% of the time
Maybe this time!
That recently-turned Republican person who aggressively fights any point someone makes about Barack Obama that you went to college with and keep on your news feed to remind yourself why you’re always right
You have way too many gay friends for that shit, plus you don’t hate yourself or your party-to-be
Your three friends from work that you regularly get lunch with
Invite them all; one of them will show.
That guy you went out with one time who is loosely connected to some of your friends
Meh, could come in handy.
Your friend who’s married now (ew, weird! Adulthood!)
Invite her & the husband.
The two people from high school that you actually still talk to
That one sad person from high school that complains all the time about how no body cares about them or treats them the way they deserve to be treated
Ha ha ha, no.
That guy you met on OKCupid that insisted on friending you before you hung out that one time and now you’re afraid to defriend him because he might randomly email you and be upset because he still ‘Likes’ your statuses and you find that somewhat endearing as you cultivate your soon-to-be-famous Internet presence
That friend that you always invite to everything (and they always invite you to everything) that you totally want to hang out with more, but you have polar opposite schedules so you only see each other once every six months
OMG totally! Maybe this time they’ll make it!
Those three people that you don’t really hang out with anymore but are friends with all of your friends and will be totally offended if you don’t invite them
*Set as admin*
That weird friend of yours that lives like 8 states away that always seems to find the invites when they aren’t invited and types out sad emoticons on the wall of the event saying “there in spirit!”
You don’t select even though you know they’ll be the first one to write on the wall of the event, somehow.
The guy you have a crush on that lives really far away and totally won’t come, but you always fantasize about them accepting—or better yet, not respond and then SURPRISE YOU—and showing up to admit that he’s always had a crush on you and after he received this particular Facebook invite, he knew he just couldn’t hold it in any longer and had to travel to this very party to confess his true feelings.
The crew from college that you see pretty regularly
*click click click*
That one super-argumentative person whose social reader updates prove they never work a minute of their life
That acquaintance most of your friends don’t like, but you sorta had fun with one of the three times you hung out
Hmm…maybe round two.
That guy that your roommate likes that she totally won’t invite on her own accord, but you’re a total wingman so you know to do her a solid
Your neighbor you sometimes see awkwardly in the hallway by the mailboxes that is way too chatty
Hmm…ahh, maybe? He’ll probably invite himself over when he hears the music, anyway. Round two.
Your neighbor you sometimes see awkwardly in the hallway by the mailboxes that you really want to be friends with
Invite with a personal message “Hey-o, Your GQ got stuck in with my bills, want me to stop by and bring it up to you?! p.s. Thought we’d invite you to our party if you’re around.”
Your current boss
Your old boss
Not if you want to have a shameful night of poor life decisions that won’t ever accidentally find their way back to your mother!
If you are interested in a lady…a few things to maybe do less:
1.) Do not stand around outside the subway station, see a girl you like & then immediately start trailing her as if you were waiting for this moment.
2.) Do not blurt out a non-sequitur & expect her to have any clue of what you are talking about.
3.) Do not say “not as bad as yesterday, huh?” and expect her to know what the fuck you’re talking about. Do not then clarify that you mean the weather.
3a.) Especially when it is ten degrees colder today than it was yesterday.
4.) When she speeds up to walk away from you, don’t speed up, too. She hasn’t even looked you in the eye, she’s not interested.
5.) Don’t start running behind her. This is a surefire way to convince her you are trying to kill her, no matter how clearly she could probably take you in a battle (due mostly to your awkward nature).
6.) Do not change where you are going just to follow this girl who is not interested in talking to you. This really convinces her you are a serial killer.
7.) Don’t follow her into the cross walk and ask her if she ever ordered fries from the fry truck you both passed 2 blocks ago.
8.) As she continues to not look you in the eye & say no, turning away from you, do not then say “hey, excuse me miss, but where did you get your frames?” as if you haven’t been trying to talk to her for 3 blocks. 3 very long, very awkward blocks.
9.) Please never call glasses “frames” because who does that?
10.) Please don’t nearly follow her into her office (until you realize she is going into that big building that you don’t have access to), say goodbye and go BACK across the street from where you just came from, because then she’ll really be convinced you’re going to stalk her office and murder her on that weird stretch of 6th Avenue by the Sleepy’s.
(The subtitle of this post was going to be “Why Is This Every Dude That’s Into Me…Ever?”)